How To Keep Pests Away

ahowtoguide @ 2007-06-20T17:51:00

2007-06-20T22:55:42Z

Chapter 1
The Pest and You

Most of the time, your pest probably likes to follow you around. “You need to go to the toilets? Oh! I’ll go with you!” “You’re going to the movies on Saturday? Well, I’ll go with you guys!” Yes, you know you have experienced this. When your pest does this, you most likely are experiencing several emotions: dislike, annoyance, and sadness. This brings us to the first tip on how to get rid of your pest. The Avoidance Tactic.

THE AVOIDANCE TACTIC
· This is a very simple technique you can use to make sure your pest does not go with you to the toilets, go the movies with you, or any other event that involves you and your other friends. All you need to do is learn to smooth talk your way out of the situation. Or, if you happen to be a bit clumsy with words, you can just simply say “Nothing” and shrug her question off, changing the subject.

Smooth Talking
YOU: Ok, so all of you can go to the movies on Saturday right?
YOUR FRIEND: Yeah, of course I can go to the mov…
PEST: Hey, what are you all talking about?
YOU: Oh we were just talking about when we were going to meet up to finish a project in (insert a class here).
PEST: Oh

Conflict avoided!

Clumsy with Words
YOU: Ok, so all of you can go to the movies on Saturday right?
YOUR FRIEND: Yeah of course I can go to the mov…
PEST: Hey, what are you talking about?
YOU: Oh, erm nothing. Hey do you know when the English project is due? I can’t seem to remember.
PEST: It’s due on Thursday. I am so excited! I am building this life-size model of Romeo and Juliet’s stage and…

Conflict also avoided!

Or, if you are just a bitchy person just go up to the pest and tell them, “We’re going to the movies. Your not invited.” Sure their feelings will be hurt. But you are the special kind of person who could care less. Congrats.

You may now progress to Chapter 2!

Introduction

2007-06-20T19:19:11Z

Introduction

There is always that one, poor little boy or girl that always looks so lonely that even the coldest people in the world would feel even a small dash of sorrow for them. Generally they tend to sit in the back of the room, buried in their studies, glasses magnifying their eyes to three times their normal size, and their hair is generally greasy and uncombed. Many of the kind-hearted people would feel “guilty” for letting them sit in solitude, watching the sad child wipe an unwashed hand all over their face to remove the salty sweat from off of their unibrow from studying too hard. And of course, the kind-hearted person stands up, thinking they are about to make some small child incredibly happy, and asks them if they would like to sit with them and their friends to complete the work that they were assigned. Unbeknownst to this kind-hearted chap is that, the greasy little child is now going to accept this offer, and in the process, never leave them alone again. Your greasy little child is now your new best friend. But fortunately for you, I have come up with a method to help keep your pest away.

The first steps are to follow the Introduction steps.

STEP ONE:
IDENTIFY YOUR PEST AND NAME IT
· The first step is to figure out who your pest is and name it. Now, if you are reading this book, then chances are you already know whom your pest is. If you do not know who the pest is, then your chances are you’re either incredibly bored with nothing to do and have no pest, or you are the pest and find this book incredibly insulting. Now, once you identify if you are the Pest Exterminator, the Pest, or the Bored Person then you get to name your pest, or you. Here are some examples.
· You can give it insulting names referring to their actions such as:

Leech
It
Evil Satanic Inch Worm
Worm
You can also give it a code name such as:
Christina
Charlotte
Grace

· Once you have named your pest, then you can now secretly talk to your friends about the newly named pest. Here are some tips on how not to get caught when you are talking about the pest when it is around.

-Bring up the code name as if you are talking about an animal, or another person.
For this book, we will be using the names Leech and Christina.

YOU: OMG, I hate leeches, they are so gross, and why can’t they ever let go of
you?
YOUR OTHER FRIEND: I know! Leeches are gross…I hate them too.
THE PEST: Hey guys! What are you talking about?
YOU: Leeches…
THE PEST: Oh I HATE leeches, they so gross and slimy…
YOU: Yeah they are!
EVERYONE: (laugh)

-Another technique is to use a real name. Then when your pest asks whom you are
talking about, you can describe them without your pest knowing you are talking about them..

YOU: Guys, I ran into Christina again today…
FRIEND: Christina is a really big pain isn’t she? I mean, she is so rude,
and greasy. Does she even bathe?
YOU: No, I don’t think that she does.
CHRISTINA (PEST): Who’s Christina?
YOU: Oh she is just this really annoying girl that I used to know.
CHRISTINA (PEST): What does she look like?
FRIEND: She has greasy (insert hair colour here) hair and (insert eye colour
here), and she has this annoying habit of never letting you talk to
other people. It’s like she thinks that you only have one group of
friends.
CHRISTINA (PEST): She sounds familiar…Do I know her?
YOU: No, I don’t think so.
CHRISTINA (PEST): Well, point her out to me the next time you see her.
YOU: Yeah sure, I can do that
YOU AND FRIEND: (laugh)

· Those are two ways to help you begin to “get to know” your pest’s observational skills. Most of the time, your pest is too nerdy and dim witted to realize that you are talking about it, so don’t worry about it finding out. Now you are ready to progress to step two.

STEP TWO:
UNDERSTAND YOUR PEST’S OBSERVATIONAL SKILLS

· Most pests are not very bright. They are generally too caught up in their books to notice that you
A. Don’t like them
B. Think they are annoying
C. Want them to bathe
D. Want them to leave you alone
There are two small tests to see if you pest notices you are talking about them.

TEST #1
The Name Test
· To perform this test, simply call out your pest’s real name. If they turn around or go what, then they might understand that you talk about them in front of their face.
· Be warned, this pest is smarter than most of the others, try to use Step 1 to stop them from finding out that you don’t like them and talk about them in a bad way. Of course, if your like me and don’t really care what they think, then by all means, go ahead and talk about them in front of their face, behind their back, around the corner, wherever! They will just think your kidding around with them, and laugh it off and you’ll be right back to where you started.

TEST #2
The Gullible Test
· To perform this test, all you need to do is yell out something stupid and see if your pest turns to look.
EXAMPLE: “Look! Gullible is written on the ceiling!” or “Look! There is a boy
running around a tree in his underwear!”
· If they respond to this test by looking, then your pest is incredibly dumb. They will most likely not notice you talking about them at all.

Once you have completed these introductory tasks you are ready to move on to Chapter One.

Ask Alex

2007-06-20T19:08:41Z

Are you suffering from a pesky pest? Do you not know why people cover their face when you talk to them? Do you need help with your math homework? We are here to help. Just ask your question and some kind folks will happily help you out.

Author's Note

2007-06-20T18:29:38Z

Hello and welcome to my how-to guide How to Keep Pests Away. My name is Alexandra Laird, the author of this useful short life saver. My guide will teach you how to ditch that pesty nerd that is trying to be your closest, bestest buddy. Even if you do not have one of these people leeching to you (lucky you), feel free to read this anyways. I update the story one chapter per day. That way, you have something to make you smile everyday of the week. (Minus the weekends.) Enjoy.

-The Author

A list of the Chapters
& Introduction
& Chapter 1